I'm having a small mental break. And this time I don't even think I'm exaggerating. And it's a little bit scary. In general my solution for angst/anxiety/craziness is crying or writing. Crying has proven ineffective and it makes my eye lashes itchy. On to Plan B where I write things down. I think this will also be helpful so that when people are wondering, when exactly I went crazy, they'll have this as a reference.
The summation of the rant: I'm not happy with unhappy. I'm not happy with people not speaking to each other, disrespecting each other and not giving a damn about the way anyone feels. Frankly I'm also over the repetitiveness of telling me how unhappy they are with every one else. That's just not fair. And it's exhausting. I don't think I can handle any other people trying to gain control over a situation by bitching, whining, complaining or just being unloving.
People can't be assholes to each other forever right? In part I know it has to stop eventually. But I'm not sure I have that long.
It makes my world feel small and claustrophobic. It makes me hyperventilate. It makes me wonder if it will ever be over or am I stuck forever with no port in the story and a bunch of unhappy people all grasping for control. Which makes me want to throw up just a little bit. I hate feeling stuck. I wish someone would fix me, so I didn't feel like I absorbed the emotions of everyone in the room. Or fix me so that I don't turn into my mom. I need a psychiatrist, but I don't think HMO covers that. It's not just really bad PMS. I think everyone wants a safe haven, a sanctuary, to just be a complete mess.
Or state your needs w/out feeling guilty or like you did something wrong. I need to be better about not letting everything slide. What happens is I'm hurt, frustrated, upset, feeling controlled etc.. but I let it go until I feel like THE NEXT INJUSTICE IS GOING TO KILL ME. Then I snap. and everyone feels like crap. Granted this is a long boring note that's all about not sweating the small, stuff, but I think the problem is I'm not sure where to draw the line. And I'm not sure what my point it. I hate awkward and I hate that when I finally get down to stating my feelings, I assume no one cares about my needs and is going to be angry with me.
I've usually figured it out by now in this part of the blog. That's disappointing. As awful as it sounds, I think I'm tired of giving a shit. Not that I don't love people and want what's best for them, but I'm not sure I can muster up the energy to love them the way they need to be loved. Not until I've replenished the supply. I am an Island. And that kind of sucks.
This might be a wrong or controversial answer given that I don't know who the people fighting around you are... but I hold this to be nearly universally true:
ReplyDelete"anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you." -david whyte
I think that's a fantastic quote. Partially it's people fighting around me, and partially it's just I feel like people have a lot of control issues, and it seems to me that when we try to regain control of a situation, we think only of ourselves and don't take anyone else's needs into consideration. I think we waste so much time dwelling on things that don't matter. It feels pandering. I have this fear of being controlling. I hate it when people have to assert themselves by taking control of a situation. Like this response. I'm not sure it's actually a reply to what you said, but more of me explaining what emotions I'm experiencing about this situation. Next I'm going to be a sports coat with leather elbow patches.
ReplyDelete