All my good intentions are lost in my desire to get to the point. When I act out how i feel in the moment, it seems so justified, but the repercussion of loosing someone important to you, and having them cut you out of their life completely, makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't worth it to stand up for what i wanted. I'm sad. Though it's a little bit of a relief to have tears and not have them caused by some carnal mistake i made to raise my self esteem. Life hurts right now. I'm so confused about faith and sex, and love and God, just like a counting crows song or something. I don't know what to do, or how to fix it, maybe i just let it be. Maybe if people need their space i just let them move out of the country because that will make them feel the best. I realize that everything isn't about me and i'm really really ok with that. in fact if fewer things would be about me, that would be swell. or maybe i'm the cause of all that is wrong? Am i the face of poor choices? I could be. I want people to be who they are, go through what they need to go through, and have faith that believes that they'll come out of it with the set of experiences that they're supposed to and have their character molded appropriately. For a really really really long time, i spent my life telling people why they were wrong and what they needed to do different. that didn't make me feel like a very good person. Plus who am I to give advice? I'm questioning the foundation of the world and my role in it. I hate it when people hurt, but honestly i hate it when i hurt even more, because I can't shut it off. And for the fucking life of me i've been trying to give it over, and give it up and it won't seem to go. Just fucking go already. I'm so very exhausted of this struggle, the emotional upheaval, the hope, the crushing disappointment when i screw things up, the hurt, the expectation. i'm so very tired of all of it. I'm tired of wanting things to be different and then everything staying the same. Maybe i'm supposed to give up? for the life of me i would if i could. Supposed to stop wanting and desiring things? cause i'm buddah? i just know it hurts, and i need it fixed and that i don't want to lose anymore friends, but maybe that's just part of why everything is screwed up to begin with.

Life or something like it.

Sometimes I’m brilliant. I feel like Jack Kerouac, imparting wisdom to the masses. To those that recognize that everything I say is genius. Every word that drops from my lips is significant and changed your life. And then I shoot blanks and quote Bill Cosby. And no one laughs. But really, I am the incarnation of radical. When my neurons fire, please interrupt me. Science is an aphrodisiac . Damn chemistry is sexy. Molecules are tricky little bastards, but, I don’t care. My spidey sense is tingling and I am uninhibited. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Life is a stage and we are a sum of its parts. Moving independently in unison to the song stuck in our head.

Heart Song

Insignificant repentance has sentenced me to an ecclesiastical existence. This vast immortality morality is killin me. Try to find middle ground between here and there and every where I can see your underwear. I’m just Holdin on to the end of this rope, hopin’ to be stoked for eternity and be all the me that I can in between the dogma and the liturgy. Faithin it or fakin it, not sure if I am makin it. Not Livin it or lovin it instead I feel like shovin it.

Wrongitude.

Conserve water: shower together. But not in front of me. I don't think that's too much to ask, i've always been opposed to voyeurism. That's a whole different kind of naked. It just reminds me of things i'd rather forget and that i change my tune as soon as i find a new beat. But the beat goes on, and on and on, sometimes it gets stuck in my head, to the point of insanity. You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind. There's comfort in the safety dance, unless of course you feel like you want to bust a move, then it's a little bit of a drag. The beat goes on. Does that make me a hypocrite? I hope not. I think that means i'm still figuring it out and can't find my way out of a paper bag, none the less how to curb impulse control and poor decision making. That'd be the day. I need to be vindicated, syndicated or have my wisdom jotted down in 45 languages. I just want guess right more often.

2 points for honesty?

The hardest part about dishonest is the dis. Why would someone set out to lie to me? it makes me really think about the things i say and the reasons i've shaded the truth. i can embellish A LOT. I think generally most people know that I'm doing that, but when I think of times i've actually lied to people, either because i didn't want a negative reaction, i thought they'd be hurt, etc... whatever the reason, is it just seems so insulting. do those people really want to be protected? when i've been hurt and lied to, what is it i really think? Wow this deception is so much easier to handle then the truth? i'm so glad someone lied to me. Now i'm an awful liar, and it is my intention to just be honest with people, mainly because i'm not good at lying and forget that i have, but really you get the idea.

I think personally I just end up feeling stupid for believing lies, and not seeing them coming. So how do i stop feeling stupid?

Spongey

The world is ending again.The love is lost, the powers that be, were and now they're over it. Love is lost, but it covers a multitude of indiscretions. At least it used to. Back in the bad old days. This constant push pull is exhausting and costing me my sanity. I hate it when you wallow in the drama. Your fingers are pruney, that means it's time to get out. My moral compass no longer points north it just spins erratically in circles, trying to find direction.

You call that love? fuck. how can you be my very foundation on how to love people and treat them like this! this is rough for me on so many levels. is it really worth the effort? this constant push pull and i'm 200 miles away and still get pulled in. I guess when i ask how you are, i don't really want to know the answer.

I've died a lot of times.

I've died 1000 times. I was reading in James this morning and it was so powerful. it talked about death and i've died so many times. sometimes i read the bible and it seems ridiculous and sometimes i read and it doesn't cause any feeling at all. but then i read it and it becomes clear and i try to figure out what does this mean? i hate waking up hurting. feeling the sting of old wounds. what's that about anyway? Sometimes i feel hopless sometimes i feel faithless.


i know that God is real, intuitively i feel it. if i trust my intuition for so many other things, then i have to trust my intuition about God.

If God were my boyfriend

So what do you do when God doesn't make sense? I trust that he's given me a brain,logic and intuition for a reason. So what do i do when those tools fail me? The very things i trust to guide me through every day life. Where do I turn when i'm left feeling duped and stupid? Surely there was a sign my intuition missed, right? surely i should have seen a hint of this right? so what do i do with that? where do you go from there? certainly God doesn't answer to me, but i'd love nothing more then answers because the questions are overwhelming and no climax seems to be in sight. it's hard to feel stupid. hard to admit that you're doubting a faith that your life has been based on. so what's harder? feeling stupid for not seeing that someone was going to lie to me? having my intuition be be wrong? or knowing that in theory God is faithful, but finding it hard to keep believing that as well? where does my intuition lay on that one? do i feel stupid believing the loving kind words of God even though i keep getting bumped and bruised along the way? if God were my boyfriend i'd probably dump him or we'd be on a break till he could treat me right.