The core of the matter.

I've given up on writing this 3 times already, let's see if this is number 4. I gave up because I feel that tangible weight of something that I need to say, but no words that I've written have gotten my point across the way I'd like them to. I'm tired of family drama and want a break. I didn't promise to right every wrong, or that two wrongs make a left. I didn't say that. Oh I've said plenty, that's for sure, and in hindsight I'm not super excited about all the actions that I've taken. But, I'm not about ready to join the show already in progress, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. (who does that?) What I'm looking to get out of this, is a nice 2 sided conversation, held in a calm tone, where people get out their feelings and no one raises their voice. That seems unlikely to me. Not that everyone shouldn't have their day in court, I wouldn't deny it to them, but I'm unwilling for someone to unleash the beast on me, simply because they're creating chaos. I gave at the office. Thanks.

I'm sad that I've got drawn into this mess, because I try ON PURPOSE not to get drawn in to drama of people's own creations. (In general for most drama that I'm not paid for) I know relationships are messy and complicated, people get their feelings hurt, lie, cheat, whatever it happens. But when we're over that, what do we do? When it's time to pick up the pieces, what then? Hell if I know. I'm not saying it's game over and time to pick up the pieces, I think we're kind of in the eye of the storm, if I can mix my metaphors (and I will). I think we're finally getting somewhere, to the core of what's the matter. Maybe. Maybe we're not.

What I do know is this: I don't want it to be awful forever. But I've got a news flash, it already has been. Fish and visitors stink after 3 days. That's how I've been living. Picking my battles, not being honest, afraid to anger you, cause you'd say something hurtful to me or someone I loved. We had good times too, some of the best times in the whole entire world, but it was Bi Polar fun. Cherish the manic because the depression is brutal and leaves death in its wake.

Is it too much to ask for the people you love to be happy and unbattered most of the time? I don't think so. I have no idea what we're going to do or how we're going to get there. What I do know, is that there is a lot of smoke and mirrors right now. There is a deeper unhappiness that has nothing to do with present circumstance, or the rambling on of what ever cathartic thing I'm writing. And I wish I knew how to lend a hand to fix it, but at the moment, no matter how much I want to fix it, there is no way in hell I'm reaching out, just to pull back a bloody stump.

If God were my boyfriend

So what do you do when God doesn't make sense? I trust that he's given me a brain,logic and intuition for a reason. So what do i do when those tools fail me? The very things i trust to guide me through every day life. Where do I turn when i'm left feeling duped and stupid? Surely there was a sign my intuition missed, right? surely i should have seen a hint of this right? so what do i do with that? where do you go from there? certainly God doesn't answer to me, but i'd love nothing more then answers because the questions are overwhelming and no climax seems to be in sight. it's hard to feel stupid. hard to admit that you're doubting a faith that your life has been based on. so what's harder? feeling stupid for not seeing that someone was going to lie to me? having my intuition be be wrong? or knowing that in theory God is faithful, but finding it hard to keep believing that as well? where does my intuition lay on that one? do i feel stupid believing the loving kind words of God even though i keep getting bumped and bruised along the way? if God were my boyfriend i'd probably dump him or we'd be on a break till he could treat me right.