All my good intentions are lost in my desire to get to the point. When I act out how i feel in the moment, it seems so justified, but the repercussion of loosing someone important to you, and having them cut you out of their life completely, makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't worth it to stand up for what i wanted. I'm sad. Though it's a little bit of a relief to have tears and not have them caused by some carnal mistake i made to raise my self esteem. Life hurts right now. I'm so confused about faith and sex, and love and God, just like a counting crows song or something. I don't know what to do, or how to fix it, maybe i just let it be. Maybe if people need their space i just let them move out of the country because that will make them feel the best. I realize that everything isn't about me and i'm really really ok with that. in fact if fewer things would be about me, that would be swell. or maybe i'm the cause of all that is wrong? Am i the face of poor choices? I could be. I want people to be who they are, go through what they need to go through, and have faith that believes that they'll come out of it with the set of experiences that they're supposed to and have their character molded appropriately. For a really really really long time, i spent my life telling people why they were wrong and what they needed to do different. that didn't make me feel like a very good person. Plus who am I to give advice? I'm questioning the foundation of the world and my role in it. I hate it when people hurt, but honestly i hate it when i hurt even more, because I can't shut it off. And for the fucking life of me i've been trying to give it over, and give it up and it won't seem to go. Just fucking go already. I'm so very exhausted of this struggle, the emotional upheaval, the hope, the crushing disappointment when i screw things up, the hurt, the expectation. i'm so very tired of all of it. I'm tired of wanting things to be different and then everything staying the same. Maybe i'm supposed to give up? for the life of me i would if i could. Supposed to stop wanting and desiring things? cause i'm buddah? i just know it hurts, and i need it fixed and that i don't want to lose anymore friends, but maybe that's just part of why everything is screwed up to begin with.