The importance of being Ernest

I'm having a really bad case of middle child syndrome. Or maybe it's just a solid dose of reality. They say, hell even I say, life is all about choices. Sometimes when you choose something else, you're inadvertently making another choice, that you wouldn't necessarily choose on purpose...or something like that.

So maybe in deciding to move away, I've asked everyone to just ignore my emotional well being and just please make decision as if they don't effect me in any fashion. Which is kind of the train of thought that brought me to Portland. People don't stop living their life based on whether or not you're around or even happy. A decision I full support. That's not what I want for people and that's not what I chose. Obviously I chose to live my life apart from people I loved, since everyone else was moving on with their lives no matter how unhappy I was with mine.

So I leaped. And for once in a really long time I was happy. I am happy-ish, mainly, over all in most circumstances. But just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not confused, or jealous, or feeling unloved a little. Those things maybe put chinks in my armor but they don't destroy my joy, just lower it to a dull roar.

But now I'm confused and a little sad and in need of better boundaries. I know I'm not selfless which is what people say right before telling you how awesome they are. Not to worry, you shan't be disappointed. I feel like I put a valiant effort into considering other people's feelings before acting. Maybe not 100% of the time, but I give it the old college try. At least I intend to.

So why is it that everyone isn't allotted the same courteousy? I know not everything is about me, but isn't something about me? Is the answer that you just stop giving a damn about other people? that's easier said than done. maybe the answer is that you just have to fake it. Phone it in a little for the sake of appearance, so that you're getting equal measures of out put and input.

I do think that's the solution. I will put exactly as much effort into love you as you put into loving me. that way no one feels depleted. Then other parts of me just want to abandon ship all together. Get a new status symbol/relationship/friend/tattoo/piercing/adventure and I will be super cool and no one else can play with it and feel super cool except for me. You'll all be sorry then.