I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am

i hate running. trying to figure out life, love, and sex.. i'm l0st and i don't know what to do about it. i want things different don't know how to do that.  to fake it. do i have to get it right first? i don't believe that. i don't think that's the character of God. he doesn't make me jump through hoops that's not him.  i feel so alive when i'm worshiping . i love you and i can see how you work and you love but then when i'm here and now and  miserable and doesn't make sense. it's like sometimes i see it in my life. you're not a tease but the very thing you want me to trust you for is the thing that gives me the most doubts. it pisses me off. i don't know how to deal with this. i know it's mot always sunny but i'm so tired of dealing with this i feel like i've given it up like 390 times and it still plagues me. it works for other people. why?  why can't this work for me, i don't get it? can't i be miserable with everyone else? tell me i don't know what i believe and i don't know why i believe it