Sunday, May 23, 2010
I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am
i hate running. trying to figure out life, love, and sex.. i'm l0st and i don't know what to do about it. i want things different don't know how to do that. to fake it. do i have to get it right first? i don't believe that. i don't think that's the character of God. he doesn't make me jump through hoops that's not him. i feel so alive when i'm worshiping . i love you and i can see how you work and you love but then when i'm here and now and miserable and doesn't make sense. it's like sometimes i see it in my life. you're not a tease but the very thing you want me to trust you for is the thing that gives me the most doubts. it pisses me off. i don't know how to deal with this. i know it's mot always sunny but i'm so tired of dealing with this i feel like i've given it up like 390 times and it still plagues me. it works for other people. why? why can't this work for me, i don't get it? can't i be miserable with everyone else? tell me i don't know what i believe and i don't know why i believe it
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it gives little comfort to say "who can know the mind of God," but there is no other explanation. God knows our hearts and desires. He doesn't want us to be miserable, but He also doesn't work on our schedule. we have to keep working to do the things that we want, and trust Him along the way that He'll give us those opportunities to fulfill our deepest desires. it's about us pressing on, not about us just trusting more. i used to think it that i had to fix something about myself in order for God to fulfill those promises i know He has for me. i'm coming to realize that it's not about me fixing things, it's about having a heart that knows who He is, knows He's good, and works toward pleasing Him. in that is pure joy, regardless of those incidentals we think are so important.
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