loose ends

I sometimes wonder if I spend a lot of time asking the wrong questions. Or maybe I'm just asking the wrong people. Sometimes life makes me sad, and sometimes I'm just too honest about it. I'm not sure if that's what's right. I'm blue. Something is missing and I'm afraid of life, loneliness and abandonment. Like I said. Blue. I've figured out, well I've been figuring out, that I thrive when I'm around people I love. Quality time is my thing. Making the people I love happy, makes me happy. But in the midst of that I'm blue. And alone. Life is going on without me, and I'm going to run out of people to love. Then I'll never be happy. What do you do with that? I'm not sure how to fix it. It kind of makes me want to run away from life, so that I won't have to feel abandon, but I'm fairly certain that's both unhealthy and unhelpful. I know there are lots of people I could love, that need love, but it's just not the same. Crying doesn't seem to help. Feeling like an orphan doesn't help. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's why it's so poignant. So highlighted. I hate living in this tension where I feel like I can't go visit my family, because it's so tense and uncomfortable. I think maybe the dilemma, is that no one wants me to be the person that loves them. We may have a square peg, round hole situation here. They all want those needs to be met by someone else, a spouse or a child, parent etc... and I think that's right, that's the way it's likely supposed to be, except that I'm not a spouse or a parent, and I'm not sure how I fit into the child category. I just lost my place in the world I guess, and I'm just not certain what my role is. I guess that's an epiphany. Maybe it's some sort of personal weakness that I need to have identity with a role, I think I have enough going on in my brain without bringing in anything else into the chaos. We'll slay that demon later, or maybe never. Honestly, probably never. So I guess to sum it up, I'm at loose ends. I don't need a fix me, I think I'm just happy I cracked the code seemingly about why I'm feeling a little lost. Sometimes this is really embarrassing, to write things down and let people read your thoughts. Often times I just find it refreshing to express my feelings without making eye contact.

Some other beginning's end.

I'm always disappointed when people don't rise to the challenge. I hate feeling lied to or deceived. I want to believe the best about people until they give me a reason not to, and then I'm just disappointed, and I feel dumb. I'm so tired of intuition not working out. One day it'll all be worth it? I want to believe it, but right now the doubts are ahead by a nose.

Once again I think I missed my lesson on the art of being a woman. I'm just so bad at coy. It kind of breaks my heart. Maybe I'm too tall to be coy? is there a height requirement? If you ask me I'll probably tell you. I feel like I'm lying if I don't say what's on my mind. I'm pretty sure that might ruin everything.WTF do I do then? I know it's just a matter of not feeling secure. I'm just not sure how to get over that. It would help if I was better at dating. I want to stand firmly that in that you can say what you think as long as your actions are still respectful. I just don't think everyone agrees.

The importance of being Ernest

I'm having a really bad case of middle child syndrome. Or maybe it's just a solid dose of reality. They say, hell even I say, life is all about choices. Sometimes when you choose something else, you're inadvertently making another choice, that you wouldn't necessarily choose on purpose...or something like that.

So maybe in deciding to move away, I've asked everyone to just ignore my emotional well being and just please make decision as if they don't effect me in any fashion. Which is kind of the train of thought that brought me to Portland. People don't stop living their life based on whether or not you're around or even happy. A decision I full support. That's not what I want for people and that's not what I chose. Obviously I chose to live my life apart from people I loved, since everyone else was moving on with their lives no matter how unhappy I was with mine.

So I leaped. And for once in a really long time I was happy. I am happy-ish, mainly, over all in most circumstances. But just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not confused, or jealous, or feeling unloved a little. Those things maybe put chinks in my armor but they don't destroy my joy, just lower it to a dull roar.

But now I'm confused and a little sad and in need of better boundaries. I know I'm not selfless which is what people say right before telling you how awesome they are. Not to worry, you shan't be disappointed. I feel like I put a valiant effort into considering other people's feelings before acting. Maybe not 100% of the time, but I give it the old college try. At least I intend to.

So why is it that everyone isn't allotted the same courteousy? I know not everything is about me, but isn't something about me? Is the answer that you just stop giving a damn about other people? that's easier said than done. maybe the answer is that you just have to fake it. Phone it in a little for the sake of appearance, so that you're getting equal measures of out put and input.

I do think that's the solution. I will put exactly as much effort into love you as you put into loving me. that way no one feels depleted. Then other parts of me just want to abandon ship all together. Get a new status symbol/relationship/friend/tattoo/piercing/adventure and I will be super cool and no one else can play with it and feel super cool except for me. You'll all be sorry then.

I wish life wasn't so annoying right now. I've had some crazy unhappy thoughts and I'm not sure what to do about it, I'm not sure when it's time to do something about it. I've given up on people giving a damn, which frankly frees up a lot of my time, so now I don't have to give one either. That's life for ya. I need life to change, I'm freezing and I feel like a stranger. I was angrier earlier now I'm just ready for life to change, things to be different.

Handbook on awkward adult situations ( A work in progress)

I love it when angst is thoughtful and productive. If you're gonna be introspective you might as well get something out of. That's my motto. I suppose. 2011 was a year with a lot of crying. Hell I don't think I've been that emotionally accessible in my whole entire life. But in other news it did up the instances of gratuitous swearing, with and without board games. So I guess we'll put that in the pros column shall we? Jolly good.

Sometimes I feel a bit ridiculous writing down my thoughts. I don't really care if anyone reads them, but then again maybe sometimes I do care. But I get embarrassed if people mention it. I'm not sure what the solution to that one is.

Consider this post to be in place of my annual newsletter I send out every year. If I write all the words I want I'll get in trouble. I'll probably get in trouble for writing that. Damn censorship!

Is it just an illusion that other people don't feel awkwardness when it's around them? Or is that legit. Maybe a magic trick? I'd love to know more. I'd love to not care if other people are awkward, because generally in that situation, I'm pretty damn sure they don't care if I feel awkward. I'm not complaining, not at all, I just think it would be nice to level the laying field. If you don't, why should i? see win win.

Man how I'd love to actually write down more in depth what I'm thinking and feeling,not but since I have no desire at all to poke the bears, I'll just bottle it all up like a good middle child. But mark my word, sooner or later, someone is going to have to pay for my therapy!

2012

It seems so wrong and unfair to start a new year or to be happy when someone you love is miserable and heart broken.