loose ends

I sometimes wonder if I spend a lot of time asking the wrong questions. Or maybe I'm just asking the wrong people. Sometimes life makes me sad, and sometimes I'm just too honest about it. I'm not sure if that's what's right. I'm blue. Something is missing and I'm afraid of life, loneliness and abandonment. Like I said. Blue. I've figured out, well I've been figuring out, that I thrive when I'm around people I love. Quality time is my thing. Making the people I love happy, makes me happy. But in the midst of that I'm blue. And alone. Life is going on without me, and I'm going to run out of people to love. Then I'll never be happy. What do you do with that? I'm not sure how to fix it. It kind of makes me want to run away from life, so that I won't have to feel abandon, but I'm fairly certain that's both unhealthy and unhelpful. I know there are lots of people I could love, that need love, but it's just not the same. Crying doesn't seem to help. Feeling like an orphan doesn't help. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's why it's so poignant. So highlighted. I hate living in this tension where I feel like I can't go visit my family, because it's so tense and uncomfortable. I think maybe the dilemma, is that no one wants me to be the person that loves them. We may have a square peg, round hole situation here. They all want those needs to be met by someone else, a spouse or a child, parent etc... and I think that's right, that's the way it's likely supposed to be, except that I'm not a spouse or a parent, and I'm not sure how I fit into the child category. I just lost my place in the world I guess, and I'm just not certain what my role is. I guess that's an epiphany. Maybe it's some sort of personal weakness that I need to have identity with a role, I think I have enough going on in my brain without bringing in anything else into the chaos. We'll slay that demon later, or maybe never. Honestly, probably never. So I guess to sum it up, I'm at loose ends. I don't need a fix me, I think I'm just happy I cracked the code seemingly about why I'm feeling a little lost. Sometimes this is really embarrassing, to write things down and let people read your thoughts. Often times I just find it refreshing to express my feelings without making eye contact.