The core of the matter.

I've given up on writing this 3 times already, let's see if this is number 4. I gave up because I feel that tangible weight of something that I need to say, but no words that I've written have gotten my point across the way I'd like them to. I'm tired of family drama and want a break. I didn't promise to right every wrong, or that two wrongs make a left. I didn't say that. Oh I've said plenty, that's for sure, and in hindsight I'm not super excited about all the actions that I've taken. But, I'm not about ready to join the show already in progress, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. (who does that?) What I'm looking to get out of this, is a nice 2 sided conversation, held in a calm tone, where people get out their feelings and no one raises their voice. That seems unlikely to me. Not that everyone shouldn't have their day in court, I wouldn't deny it to them, but I'm unwilling for someone to unleash the beast on me, simply because they're creating chaos. I gave at the office. Thanks.

I'm sad that I've got drawn into this mess, because I try ON PURPOSE not to get drawn in to drama of people's own creations. (In general for most drama that I'm not paid for) I know relationships are messy and complicated, people get their feelings hurt, lie, cheat, whatever it happens. But when we're over that, what do we do? When it's time to pick up the pieces, what then? Hell if I know. I'm not saying it's game over and time to pick up the pieces, I think we're kind of in the eye of the storm, if I can mix my metaphors (and I will). I think we're finally getting somewhere, to the core of what's the matter. Maybe. Maybe we're not.

What I do know is this: I don't want it to be awful forever. But I've got a news flash, it already has been. Fish and visitors stink after 3 days. That's how I've been living. Picking my battles, not being honest, afraid to anger you, cause you'd say something hurtful to me or someone I loved. We had good times too, some of the best times in the whole entire world, but it was Bi Polar fun. Cherish the manic because the depression is brutal and leaves death in its wake.

Is it too much to ask for the people you love to be happy and unbattered most of the time? I don't think so. I have no idea what we're going to do or how we're going to get there. What I do know, is that there is a lot of smoke and mirrors right now. There is a deeper unhappiness that has nothing to do with present circumstance, or the rambling on of what ever cathartic thing I'm writing. And I wish I knew how to lend a hand to fix it, but at the moment, no matter how much I want to fix it, there is no way in hell I'm reaching out, just to pull back a bloody stump.

The initial purge of 2011

The world would probably be a better place if I was a little more discreet, of this I am aware. The process of slowing down and not blurting out whatever it is that is bothering me....is not necessarily something that I have a handle on. I think partially I hate feeling crappy, and when I vent it makes the crappy feeling go away. That's my theory anyway. I want to get the poison out. I hate drama, though sometimes I know I do my fair share to create it, because often times when I need to vent or unload, it's taking part in the very drama that is likely causing the need to vent anyway. It's a viscous cycle. But I don't think that makes it so that I hate drama any less. I hate that anxious feeling, that upheaval of emotions, the uncertainty. That's all an example of something I do not want to put my energy into. It's like sitting in a rocking chair, no matter how fast you rock, you ain't goin no where.

There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake.

So it's come to my attention that I've been disowned. I didn't know people did that, it's so 1540's, but what do I know? Apparently it's retro. Maybe all the kids are doing it now days. Maybe we should turn it into some cool new slang so we can add it to the growing list in the Urban Dictionary. We'll start using it at parties.

Words are inadequate.

There are no words to describe where my heart is right now. Well I suppose that's not entirely correct since I'm writing words right now. Let's just say there aren't words to succinctly describe where my heart is. I think mainly sad for all involved. Sad for any hurt that I've caused and for all the hurts I can't stop. Sad when a relationship is broken and people are hurt. Sadder that it has been broken for a really long time and I just never bothered to fix it, because I didn't want to end up on the receiving end of what seems to be some sort of steroid rage situation. That seems like a really harsh punishment, simply for someone having a difference of opinion. I'm sad that you've been sad and angry for a really long time, since I don't suppose your actions are that of a happy person. But I think really my heart is split. It's not broken, it's all in tact and in good working order, but it's really confused. I think the way that you’re doing what you’re doing is wrong. And I don’t support the choices that you’re making right now or the chaos you're creating. I won't be buying you a present to feel better about you and make me like you again. I'm trying really really hard to love you. I know you don't think of it that way and I haven't necessarily executed it correctly. I understand that you don't likely care about any of what I'm writing or how I feel. Trust me I know. You've made it perfectly clear.

Kiss and Tell 2010

With the end of the year rapidly approaching it seems that a count down of sorts is appropriate so I'll give it a whirl.

It happened one night - I'd met you at a dive bar, we had a beer and some awkward conversation. The kissing was decent, but you got handsy waayyy too fast, then only called me because you wanted a piece of ass.

Million Dollar Baby - I'd given you my phone number when I very first moved to PDX and didn't know a soul. We didn't really have any chemistry, but for some reason we ended up making out sometime in January (blame it on turning 30, yikes) But you were a decent kisser and such a gentleman.

Peter Pan - Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.....We made etc.. and you are not a good kisser. Your age really showed in that you might still think you're in a highschool make out session.

Sportsfan - You were the best kisser probably for the first half of the year. we had a good date, then a few days later watched a movie at your house, you were really nice and snuggley and turned out to be a good kisser. You paid attention to details and you didn't drool all over my face. 2 thumbs up.

Clean Slate

The summer of fun is officially over. At least parts of it were fun. Apparently and in hindsight, I was a magnet to every dysfunctional man in Portland. Don't pretend like you're not jealous. Remember when your mother told you men only want 1 thing? I was unaware of how truthful that statement was and how boldly men pursue it. Men think with their penis, big surprise, and really I'm ok with that, because ya know play with the hand you were dealt. So there were more or less 5 men over the summer that I had some sort of interaction with on varying levels that I won't get into, blah blah blah. So in any order I want here we go.


White rapper part deuce - I have no one to blame but myself. 25 year old men, generally never fail to act like 25 year old men, no matter how much they want to save the world. What they really mean, is that they want to look like they're doing good things in order to promote their music career. Sadly he is a really really awful kisser and sadly I learned this 2x. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

Beer Buddy - The beer buddy actually isn't a bad guy at all. 1 date which was awkward but not bad, he never really pursued anything other then that, but I was really bored one night and went to his house to watch a movie, he likely felt more used then I did. But I feel like he hasn't really handled it maturely since then, which is so sad for him. The total stone wall is so disrespectful and really what made this interaction go from pleasant little interlude to a bummer.

HMS Vancouver- Nothing good came out of this. Well ok, I did get kissed for 20 minutes by a very drunk canadian and he was a really good kisser, but he got very upset when he couldn't come home with me. This also happened to be an interaction with the married ex, who apparently doesn't care so much about the wedding vows he made. Dodged a bullet there.

G-Force - So I'm thinking this guy must be the biggest liar ever. Pakistani Greg, who said he was leaving the country after our first date? Then proceeds to email saying we need more skin to skin contact. What a jerk.....so annoying.


So it's time to start over with a clean slate. I was hoping to go to Canada this weekend have a lot of fun then come back ready have gotten the party girl mode all out of my system. Instead I got to spend 3.5 hours in the E.R. and the E.M.T's weren't even cute.

Where to go from here? Well I don't know. Time to plan a bigger, better vacation? More adventures to follow.

To thine own self be true

Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets.--Clark Moustakas.

I know for a fact that i'm driven by results, i also feel that i'm more or less good at being myself, however, sometimes the 2 statements conflict. When after 30 years of being myself, i feel like the results are less then adequate, what do you do with that information? i am not happy right now. i'm blue. i try to rally, walk it off, whatever but i am unhappy. I'm flat. dead pan. I don't know what to do about it. I think i need to talk to someone, i got the number for seeing a therapist today from my HMO. I keep waiting for it to get better, to buck up what have you, but that ain't happening baby, and i don't want to base my personal happiness on other people like, dislike or attention the lavish on me. i won't have it. I want to be true to myself, and i think that when i am, then i can't question my actions, because i undeniably am who i am and it feels right. anything else feels out of step. But what do i do after being myself for so many years and feeling unsuccessful in my romantic relationships and even with some friendships? who changes? it often seems to blow up in my face when i treat people (especially male people_) the way i want to be treated. There is no conclusion to this ramble, haha ok there is likely never a conclusion to most of my rambling. But i'm stumped, i'm sad, i'm flat (not chested,just flat affect) and it feels foreign, wrong, lame etc... feeling true to myself seems right, but if this is where it lands me, how right can it be?