Woe is me. What to do? What to do? I'm a lover, not a fighter, I'd much rather resolve an issue than leaving it hanging out in the open all tense and unsettling. I hate that. So.......I try to let the little things go, if they are indeed little things. But when those little things pile up and pile up into one great big heaping mound of huge ginormous gaping red hurt, then I'm out to sea. You see the thing is, I feel like I've already fixed this so many times. I'm exhausted with fixing. I can't make the first move any more times. And I don't think that I should have to. I don't want to get a scale and weigh out wrongs to see who has hurt who most. That seems pointless, because I know I've inflicted my share of hurt. Lord help me, I know. But I also refuse to be on the end of an angry tirade because I disagree. Not to mention, I'm not responding to mean words, angry voices or yelling. Not going to happen. I'm ashamed to admit that I've done my share of mean words. Angry voice and yelling isn't really my style (I don't think) But I know that I can cut to the core and that I speak freely. In particular I remember apologizing, though that interaction eventually got me yelled at, and later disowned.
The conclusion of these thoughts, is confusion, I suppose. But it's also a determination to do what I feel is right in my heart. Even if it means having those icky unresolved, unsettling feelings hanging out, naked and squirming around. Apparently they're sperm feelings.
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