Words are inadequate.

There are no words to describe where my heart is right now. Well I suppose that's not entirely correct since I'm writing words right now. Let's just say there aren't words to succinctly describe where my heart is. I think mainly sad for all involved. Sad for any hurt that I've caused and for all the hurts I can't stop. Sad when a relationship is broken and people are hurt. Sadder that it has been broken for a really long time and I just never bothered to fix it, because I didn't want to end up on the receiving end of what seems to be some sort of steroid rage situation. That seems like a really harsh punishment, simply for someone having a difference of opinion. I'm sad that you've been sad and angry for a really long time, since I don't suppose your actions are that of a happy person. But I think really my heart is split. It's not broken, it's all in tact and in good working order, but it's really confused. I think the way that you’re doing what you’re doing is wrong. And I don’t support the choices that you’re making right now or the chaos you're creating. I won't be buying you a present to feel better about you and make me like you again. I'm trying really really hard to love you. I know you don't think of it that way and I haven't necessarily executed it correctly. I understand that you don't likely care about any of what I'm writing or how I feel. Trust me I know. You've made it perfectly clear.

Kiss and Tell 2010

With the end of the year rapidly approaching it seems that a count down of sorts is appropriate so I'll give it a whirl.

It happened one night - I'd met you at a dive bar, we had a beer and some awkward conversation. The kissing was decent, but you got handsy waayyy too fast, then only called me because you wanted a piece of ass.

Million Dollar Baby - I'd given you my phone number when I very first moved to PDX and didn't know a soul. We didn't really have any chemistry, but for some reason we ended up making out sometime in January (blame it on turning 30, yikes) But you were a decent kisser and such a gentleman.

Peter Pan - Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.....We made etc.. and you are not a good kisser. Your age really showed in that you might still think you're in a highschool make out session.

Sportsfan - You were the best kisser probably for the first half of the year. we had a good date, then a few days later watched a movie at your house, you were really nice and snuggley and turned out to be a good kisser. You paid attention to details and you didn't drool all over my face. 2 thumbs up.

Clean Slate

The summer of fun is officially over. At least parts of it were fun. Apparently and in hindsight, I was a magnet to every dysfunctional man in Portland. Don't pretend like you're not jealous. Remember when your mother told you men only want 1 thing? I was unaware of how truthful that statement was and how boldly men pursue it. Men think with their penis, big surprise, and really I'm ok with that, because ya know play with the hand you were dealt. So there were more or less 5 men over the summer that I had some sort of interaction with on varying levels that I won't get into, blah blah blah. So in any order I want here we go.


White rapper part deuce - I have no one to blame but myself. 25 year old men, generally never fail to act like 25 year old men, no matter how much they want to save the world. What they really mean, is that they want to look like they're doing good things in order to promote their music career. Sadly he is a really really awful kisser and sadly I learned this 2x. Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me.

Beer Buddy - The beer buddy actually isn't a bad guy at all. 1 date which was awkward but not bad, he never really pursued anything other then that, but I was really bored one night and went to his house to watch a movie, he likely felt more used then I did. But I feel like he hasn't really handled it maturely since then, which is so sad for him. The total stone wall is so disrespectful and really what made this interaction go from pleasant little interlude to a bummer.

HMS Vancouver- Nothing good came out of this. Well ok, I did get kissed for 20 minutes by a very drunk canadian and he was a really good kisser, but he got very upset when he couldn't come home with me. This also happened to be an interaction with the married ex, who apparently doesn't care so much about the wedding vows he made. Dodged a bullet there.

G-Force - So I'm thinking this guy must be the biggest liar ever. Pakistani Greg, who said he was leaving the country after our first date? Then proceeds to email saying we need more skin to skin contact. What a jerk.....so annoying.


So it's time to start over with a clean slate. I was hoping to go to Canada this weekend have a lot of fun then come back ready have gotten the party girl mode all out of my system. Instead I got to spend 3.5 hours in the E.R. and the E.M.T's weren't even cute.

Where to go from here? Well I don't know. Time to plan a bigger, better vacation? More adventures to follow.

To thine own self be true

Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets.--Clark Moustakas.

I know for a fact that i'm driven by results, i also feel that i'm more or less good at being myself, however, sometimes the 2 statements conflict. When after 30 years of being myself, i feel like the results are less then adequate, what do you do with that information? i am not happy right now. i'm blue. i try to rally, walk it off, whatever but i am unhappy. I'm flat. dead pan. I don't know what to do about it. I think i need to talk to someone, i got the number for seeing a therapist today from my HMO. I keep waiting for it to get better, to buck up what have you, but that ain't happening baby, and i don't want to base my personal happiness on other people like, dislike or attention the lavish on me. i won't have it. I want to be true to myself, and i think that when i am, then i can't question my actions, because i undeniably am who i am and it feels right. anything else feels out of step. But what do i do after being myself for so many years and feeling unsuccessful in my romantic relationships and even with some friendships? who changes? it often seems to blow up in my face when i treat people (especially male people_) the way i want to be treated. There is no conclusion to this ramble, haha ok there is likely never a conclusion to most of my rambling. But i'm stumped, i'm sad, i'm flat (not chested,just flat affect) and it feels foreign, wrong, lame etc... feeling true to myself seems right, but if this is where it lands me, how right can it be?

The infinite sadness

So i've been waking up early, before my alarm. What's that about? Sometimes I wake up and the day stretches out ahead of me and it kind of lands with a disheartening thud. Nothing new, no adventures, just a lot of nothing. Some of those days I wake up and tell God i' m miserable, lonely, pissed off, need attention etc... it's not news to him. Other days i wake up and i'm able to pour my heart out in a different way, it's like how i present my thoughts are different. the angst is different. maybe i need vitamin d. maybe i need an adventure. maybe i need a baby or some other creature to love. ok well not a baby. though recently i've decided babies probably aren't as bad if they look like people you're already fond of. so if i'm fond of you i love your baby. i may even consider eventually, possibly, in the futurue perhaps acquiring one for my own household. I don't know. Thinking about it, makes me need to have a little panic attack, but i'm sure that's normal. right? I just think something's gotta give. Not with babies, but in general. i'm tired, and i'm never tired. but i'm kind of tired of this. it's like some cruel form of adult puberty that never ends. And pretty much i'm over it.

So much for the after glow

When the music fades and i'm stopped, sometimes I don't know what to do. I like the signifigance of going. I feel insignifigant, now that i'm home. I love my life, where i'm at right now, living where i'm living, but at this very moment, i feel sad and inconsequential. I think it's like that when i'm not investing in people. I'm ok being alone, but sometimes i don't know the purpose. i think i was made to love people. Emotion is so wicked some time, so betraying. it takes away your ability to put on a facade. i'm content. i'm happy, but right now i want to cry and i have not one damn good reason why. Even as i'm writing this, it feels finished, but unfinished, like something is clawing at me, I can't write it out, but it's just below the surface. My pen won't appease the angst today.

All things gonna come back around

I love Johnny and the moon. This week started off pretty shitty, i got really mad at a piece of wood sunday morning and painted it angry. it felt good. but now it looks disjointed and when it stops raining i'm going to give it another go. who knows what kind of beasts will be unleashed. oy vey. writing this feels disjointed. usually this is more of a vent for me, like where i write things down to figure them out, but instead this is more like memorializing a feeling. All that is to say, i never doubt that i'm loved, but it's always nice to be reminded, in subtle and not so subtle ways. whether it's someone empathizing with me over my huge life questions, talking to my best friend from jr.high or reconnecting with a person i simply adore and just hearing about his life, the good, bad whatever. last week i read a quote that said, we are part of everyone we have met. i love that idea, and i've seen it evident in my life this week. it was really cool, to see it played out. To know that what's real is real and sustainable.