The importance of being Ernest

I'm having a really bad case of middle child syndrome. Or maybe it's just a solid dose of reality. They say, hell even I say, life is all about choices. Sometimes when you choose something else, you're inadvertently making another choice, that you wouldn't necessarily choose on purpose...or something like that.

So maybe in deciding to move away, I've asked everyone to just ignore my emotional well being and just please make decision as if they don't effect me in any fashion. Which is kind of the train of thought that brought me to Portland. People don't stop living their life based on whether or not you're around or even happy. A decision I full support. That's not what I want for people and that's not what I chose. Obviously I chose to live my life apart from people I loved, since everyone else was moving on with their lives no matter how unhappy I was with mine.

So I leaped. And for once in a really long time I was happy. I am happy-ish, mainly, over all in most circumstances. But just because I'm happy doesn't mean I'm not confused, or jealous, or feeling unloved a little. Those things maybe put chinks in my armor but they don't destroy my joy, just lower it to a dull roar.

But now I'm confused and a little sad and in need of better boundaries. I know I'm not selfless which is what people say right before telling you how awesome they are. Not to worry, you shan't be disappointed. I feel like I put a valiant effort into considering other people's feelings before acting. Maybe not 100% of the time, but I give it the old college try. At least I intend to.

So why is it that everyone isn't allotted the same courteousy? I know not everything is about me, but isn't something about me? Is the answer that you just stop giving a damn about other people? that's easier said than done. maybe the answer is that you just have to fake it. Phone it in a little for the sake of appearance, so that you're getting equal measures of out put and input.

I do think that's the solution. I will put exactly as much effort into love you as you put into loving me. that way no one feels depleted. Then other parts of me just want to abandon ship all together. Get a new status symbol/relationship/friend/tattoo/piercing/adventure and I will be super cool and no one else can play with it and feel super cool except for me. You'll all be sorry then.

I wish life wasn't so annoying right now. I've had some crazy unhappy thoughts and I'm not sure what to do about it, I'm not sure when it's time to do something about it. I've given up on people giving a damn, which frankly frees up a lot of my time, so now I don't have to give one either. That's life for ya. I need life to change, I'm freezing and I feel like a stranger. I was angrier earlier now I'm just ready for life to change, things to be different.

Handbook on awkward adult situations ( A work in progress)

I love it when angst is thoughtful and productive. If you're gonna be introspective you might as well get something out of. That's my motto. I suppose. 2011 was a year with a lot of crying. Hell I don't think I've been that emotionally accessible in my whole entire life. But in other news it did up the instances of gratuitous swearing, with and without board games. So I guess we'll put that in the pros column shall we? Jolly good.

Sometimes I feel a bit ridiculous writing down my thoughts. I don't really care if anyone reads them, but then again maybe sometimes I do care. But I get embarrassed if people mention it. I'm not sure what the solution to that one is.

Consider this post to be in place of my annual newsletter I send out every year. If I write all the words I want I'll get in trouble. I'll probably get in trouble for writing that. Damn censorship!

Is it just an illusion that other people don't feel awkwardness when it's around them? Or is that legit. Maybe a magic trick? I'd love to know more. I'd love to not care if other people are awkward, because generally in that situation, I'm pretty damn sure they don't care if I feel awkward. I'm not complaining, not at all, I just think it would be nice to level the laying field. If you don't, why should i? see win win.

Man how I'd love to actually write down more in depth what I'm thinking and feeling,not but since I have no desire at all to poke the bears, I'll just bottle it all up like a good middle child. But mark my word, sooner or later, someone is going to have to pay for my therapy!

2012

It seems so wrong and unfair to start a new year or to be happy when someone you love is miserable and heart broken.

What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart?

I'm trying to figure out what the most appropriate state of mind is for this evening. My sorrow is empathetic mostly. Yes I'm sad for the loss of life, but also I grieve for my friend who is hurting and for Tyler's family that is hurting, broken hearted.

I felt like I needed to write something down, but I'm not even sure what I have to say. I know I want so much better for Faith, then this heart ache. If anyone is reading this and you're talking to Faith, (Or Tyler's family, though I don't know them) please please please don't try to make her feel better. That may sound like an odd request, but really what I'm saying is people are entitled to their grief. Sadness makes us uncomfortable so we try to make people feel better, so that we don't get bogged down by their sadness. Faith needs lots of hugs, and loves and support. She needs people who don't need her to keep it all together. Let her fall apart and mourn and be broken hearted. We can't erase the ache that she feels, but we can love her through it.
Faith knows I run off at the mouth occasionally, so hopefully she won't mind that I wrote something and included her in it. She's just heavy on my heart right now. I want to go to her, but I don't want her to be overwhelmed with people, plus she's got tons of support right now. And I want to make sure she feels loved for the duration. It's sad now, with a dose of shock, but in the upcoming months, Faith is going to feel his absence more and more. That's when we need to pour out the love. So I guess in essence I'm trying to convey emotions, before my actions. What my heart, is for one of my friends that I've known almost half my life time.
I'm not sure why this was so important to me to say, but I had to get it out.

Of this and that and compromise.............

I've got so many things to write, but I'm not sure what to put down to make me feel better. Life is goodish. I'm just kind of tired of the almosts and missed opportunities, the second guessing etc.. etc.... You know how you always want to know why things work they way they do? Well enter into now and this time of my life. How can I be so happy and yet so discontent? It's pretty clear this ain't heaven, so I guess that's it. If you want a conflict free existence obviously earth and all these messy people aren't going to be involved, because as we know it people are complicated. My wants, desires, needs and misgivings also complicated. I'm tired. I love this, I want something different. I'm kind of tired of doing the orphan thing. I think I'm just confused, how I can be not unhappy, but still long for something more, something that is mine. Am I just that selfish? Let's not rule that one out right away. There's not a fix, not an answer, just me, needing a little hope. As per always. Till steal a line from Alexis, Le Sigh.

The thing about life is

That it's messy and complicated, and sometimes you don't know how to process it. Sometimes it makes me cry a little. Sometimes I don't like it and sometimes it's awkward. I especially hate the awkward parts. I hate it when I'm sad, because I don't really know what to do about that. "Hi it's me and I'm sad." What kind of phone call is that to make? The thing is, I'm not really sad, until I'm sad. Then I'm awful. Sometimes I wonder if life is ever going to change, but of course I mean for me, and I mean a change that I'd want, not some awful changes that I don't choose. Obviously. And that's where I'm at today. Well somewhere between that and feeling awful about the way I look, the way I feel and how much money I spent poorly. I wish life was a little less exhausting.