To thine own self be true

Accept everything about yourself--I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end--no apologies, no regrets.--Clark Moustakas.

I know for a fact that i'm driven by results, i also feel that i'm more or less good at being myself, however, sometimes the 2 statements conflict. When after 30 years of being myself, i feel like the results are less then adequate, what do you do with that information? i am not happy right now. i'm blue. i try to rally, walk it off, whatever but i am unhappy. I'm flat. dead pan. I don't know what to do about it. I think i need to talk to someone, i got the number for seeing a therapist today from my HMO. I keep waiting for it to get better, to buck up what have you, but that ain't happening baby, and i don't want to base my personal happiness on other people like, dislike or attention the lavish on me. i won't have it. I want to be true to myself, and i think that when i am, then i can't question my actions, because i undeniably am who i am and it feels right. anything else feels out of step. But what do i do after being myself for so many years and feeling unsuccessful in my romantic relationships and even with some friendships? who changes? it often seems to blow up in my face when i treat people (especially male people_) the way i want to be treated. There is no conclusion to this ramble, haha ok there is likely never a conclusion to most of my rambling. But i'm stumped, i'm sad, i'm flat (not chested,just flat affect) and it feels foreign, wrong, lame etc... feeling true to myself seems right, but if this is where it lands me, how right can it be?

The infinite sadness

So i've been waking up early, before my alarm. What's that about? Sometimes I wake up and the day stretches out ahead of me and it kind of lands with a disheartening thud. Nothing new, no adventures, just a lot of nothing. Some of those days I wake up and tell God i' m miserable, lonely, pissed off, need attention etc... it's not news to him. Other days i wake up and i'm able to pour my heart out in a different way, it's like how i present my thoughts are different. the angst is different. maybe i need vitamin d. maybe i need an adventure. maybe i need a baby or some other creature to love. ok well not a baby. though recently i've decided babies probably aren't as bad if they look like people you're already fond of. so if i'm fond of you i love your baby. i may even consider eventually, possibly, in the futurue perhaps acquiring one for my own household. I don't know. Thinking about it, makes me need to have a little panic attack, but i'm sure that's normal. right? I just think something's gotta give. Not with babies, but in general. i'm tired, and i'm never tired. but i'm kind of tired of this. it's like some cruel form of adult puberty that never ends. And pretty much i'm over it.

So much for the after glow

When the music fades and i'm stopped, sometimes I don't know what to do. I like the signifigance of going. I feel insignifigant, now that i'm home. I love my life, where i'm at right now, living where i'm living, but at this very moment, i feel sad and inconsequential. I think it's like that when i'm not investing in people. I'm ok being alone, but sometimes i don't know the purpose. i think i was made to love people. Emotion is so wicked some time, so betraying. it takes away your ability to put on a facade. i'm content. i'm happy, but right now i want to cry and i have not one damn good reason why. Even as i'm writing this, it feels finished, but unfinished, like something is clawing at me, I can't write it out, but it's just below the surface. My pen won't appease the angst today.

All things gonna come back around

I love Johnny and the moon. This week started off pretty shitty, i got really mad at a piece of wood sunday morning and painted it angry. it felt good. but now it looks disjointed and when it stops raining i'm going to give it another go. who knows what kind of beasts will be unleashed. oy vey. writing this feels disjointed. usually this is more of a vent for me, like where i write things down to figure them out, but instead this is more like memorializing a feeling. All that is to say, i never doubt that i'm loved, but it's always nice to be reminded, in subtle and not so subtle ways. whether it's someone empathizing with me over my huge life questions, talking to my best friend from jr.high or reconnecting with a person i simply adore and just hearing about his life, the good, bad whatever. last week i read a quote that said, we are part of everyone we have met. i love that idea, and i've seen it evident in my life this week. it was really cool, to see it played out. To know that what's real is real and sustainable.

All my good intentions are lost in my desire to get to the point. When I act out how i feel in the moment, it seems so justified, but the repercussion of loosing someone important to you, and having them cut you out of their life completely, makes me wonder if maybe it wasn't worth it to stand up for what i wanted. I'm sad. Though it's a little bit of a relief to have tears and not have them caused by some carnal mistake i made to raise my self esteem. Life hurts right now. I'm so confused about faith and sex, and love and God, just like a counting crows song or something. I don't know what to do, or how to fix it, maybe i just let it be. Maybe if people need their space i just let them move out of the country because that will make them feel the best. I realize that everything isn't about me and i'm really really ok with that. in fact if fewer things would be about me, that would be swell. or maybe i'm the cause of all that is wrong? Am i the face of poor choices? I could be. I want people to be who they are, go through what they need to go through, and have faith that believes that they'll come out of it with the set of experiences that they're supposed to and have their character molded appropriately. For a really really really long time, i spent my life telling people why they were wrong and what they needed to do different. that didn't make me feel like a very good person. Plus who am I to give advice? I'm questioning the foundation of the world and my role in it. I hate it when people hurt, but honestly i hate it when i hurt even more, because I can't shut it off. And for the fucking life of me i've been trying to give it over, and give it up and it won't seem to go. Just fucking go already. I'm so very exhausted of this struggle, the emotional upheaval, the hope, the crushing disappointment when i screw things up, the hurt, the expectation. i'm so very tired of all of it. I'm tired of wanting things to be different and then everything staying the same. Maybe i'm supposed to give up? for the life of me i would if i could. Supposed to stop wanting and desiring things? cause i'm buddah? i just know it hurts, and i need it fixed and that i don't want to lose anymore friends, but maybe that's just part of why everything is screwed up to begin with.

Life or something like it.

Sometimes I’m brilliant. I feel like Jack Kerouac, imparting wisdom to the masses. To those that recognize that everything I say is genius. Every word that drops from my lips is significant and changed your life. And then I shoot blanks and quote Bill Cosby. And no one laughs. But really, I am the incarnation of radical. When my neurons fire, please interrupt me. Science is an aphrodisiac . Damn chemistry is sexy. Molecules are tricky little bastards, but, I don’t care. My spidey sense is tingling and I am uninhibited. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Life is a stage and we are a sum of its parts. Moving independently in unison to the song stuck in our head.

Heart Song

Insignificant repentance has sentenced me to an ecclesiastical existence. This vast immortality morality is killin me. Try to find middle ground between here and there and every where I can see your underwear. I’m just Holdin on to the end of this rope, hopin’ to be stoked for eternity and be all the me that I can in between the dogma and the liturgy. Faithin it or fakin it, not sure if I am makin it. Not Livin it or lovin it instead I feel like shovin it.