Heart Song

Insignificant repentance has sentenced me to an ecclesiastical existence. This vast immortality morality is killin me. Try to find middle ground between here and there and every where I can see your underwear. I’m just Holdin on to the end of this rope, hopin’ to be stoked for eternity and be all the me that I can in between the dogma and the liturgy. Faithin it or fakin it, not sure if I am makin it. Not Livin it or lovin it instead I feel like shovin it.

Wrongitude.

Conserve water: shower together. But not in front of me. I don't think that's too much to ask, i've always been opposed to voyeurism. That's a whole different kind of naked. It just reminds me of things i'd rather forget and that i change my tune as soon as i find a new beat. But the beat goes on, and on and on, sometimes it gets stuck in my head, to the point of insanity. You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind. There's comfort in the safety dance, unless of course you feel like you want to bust a move, then it's a little bit of a drag. The beat goes on. Does that make me a hypocrite? I hope not. I think that means i'm still figuring it out and can't find my way out of a paper bag, none the less how to curb impulse control and poor decision making. That'd be the day. I need to be vindicated, syndicated or have my wisdom jotted down in 45 languages. I just want guess right more often.

2 points for honesty?

The hardest part about dishonest is the dis. Why would someone set out to lie to me? it makes me really think about the things i say and the reasons i've shaded the truth. i can embellish A LOT. I think generally most people know that I'm doing that, but when I think of times i've actually lied to people, either because i didn't want a negative reaction, i thought they'd be hurt, etc... whatever the reason, is it just seems so insulting. do those people really want to be protected? when i've been hurt and lied to, what is it i really think? Wow this deception is so much easier to handle then the truth? i'm so glad someone lied to me. Now i'm an awful liar, and it is my intention to just be honest with people, mainly because i'm not good at lying and forget that i have, but really you get the idea.

I think personally I just end up feeling stupid for believing lies, and not seeing them coming. So how do i stop feeling stupid?

Spongey

The world is ending again.The love is lost, the powers that be, were and now they're over it. Love is lost, but it covers a multitude of indiscretions. At least it used to. Back in the bad old days. This constant push pull is exhausting and costing me my sanity. I hate it when you wallow in the drama. Your fingers are pruney, that means it's time to get out. My moral compass no longer points north it just spins erratically in circles, trying to find direction.

You call that love? fuck. how can you be my very foundation on how to love people and treat them like this! this is rough for me on so many levels. is it really worth the effort? this constant push pull and i'm 200 miles away and still get pulled in. I guess when i ask how you are, i don't really want to know the answer.

I've died a lot of times.

I've died 1000 times. I was reading in James this morning and it was so powerful. it talked about death and i've died so many times. sometimes i read the bible and it seems ridiculous and sometimes i read and it doesn't cause any feeling at all. but then i read it and it becomes clear and i try to figure out what does this mean? i hate waking up hurting. feeling the sting of old wounds. what's that about anyway? Sometimes i feel hopless sometimes i feel faithless.


i know that God is real, intuitively i feel it. if i trust my intuition for so many other things, then i have to trust my intuition about God.

If God were my boyfriend

So what do you do when God doesn't make sense? I trust that he's given me a brain,logic and intuition for a reason. So what do i do when those tools fail me? The very things i trust to guide me through every day life. Where do I turn when i'm left feeling duped and stupid? Surely there was a sign my intuition missed, right? surely i should have seen a hint of this right? so what do i do with that? where do you go from there? certainly God doesn't answer to me, but i'd love nothing more then answers because the questions are overwhelming and no climax seems to be in sight. it's hard to feel stupid. hard to admit that you're doubting a faith that your life has been based on. so what's harder? feeling stupid for not seeing that someone was going to lie to me? having my intuition be be wrong? or knowing that in theory God is faithful, but finding it hard to keep believing that as well? where does my intuition lay on that one? do i feel stupid believing the loving kind words of God even though i keep getting bumped and bruised along the way? if God were my boyfriend i'd probably dump him or we'd be on a break till he could treat me right.

All that you can't leave behind.

Your mouth is not mine, but you never hold back. punish me with flirting and sweet words that should never be said, they're unfair and unkind under the circumstances. asshole. i play by the rules, but you can't be bothered with the state of my heart or the salt of my tears? enlisted and twisted you snuffed out the flame. selfish intentions masquerading as bitter sweet memories of days gone by. i'm tipsy and remember late night whispers, that I'VE TRIED TO FORGET, but you insist on reminding me of. Your voice kissing my ear, slurring and lilting, breaking promises, promsing pipe dreams and crushing my heart all over again. Fuck You! There's no one to blame but yourself. I didn't vow. I didn't pledge, I didn't call. I've been done with you in spades and for days. Now here I sit and once again your fickle refrain has left me at sea. But it's you who's missing out. I find my feet just fine, leap past your lies and soar to where the streets have no names and the possibilities are endless. But you sir, are welcome to stay in your house of broken promises and watch me as I walk away. please enjoy the view.