Sticks and Stones

Woe is me. What to do? What to do? I'm a lover, not a fighter, I'd much rather resolve an issue than leaving it hanging out in the open all tense and unsettling. I hate that. So.......I try to let the little things go, if they are indeed little things. But when those little things pile up and pile up into one great big heaping mound of huge ginormous gaping red hurt, then I'm out to sea. You see the thing is, I feel like I've already fixed this so many times. I'm exhausted with fixing. I can't make the first move any more times. And I don't think that I should have to. I don't want to get a scale and weigh out wrongs to see who has hurt who most. That seems pointless, because I know I've inflicted my share of hurt. Lord help me, I know. But I also refuse to be on the end of an angry tirade because I disagree. Not to mention, I'm not responding to mean words, angry voices or yelling. Not going to happen. I'm ashamed to admit that I've done my share of mean words. Angry voice and yelling isn't really my style (I don't think) But I know that I can cut to the core and that I speak freely. In particular I remember apologizing, though that interaction eventually got me yelled at, and later disowned.

The conclusion of these thoughts, is confusion, I suppose. But it's also a determination to do what I feel is right in my heart. Even if it means having those icky unresolved, unsettling feelings hanging out, naked and squirming around. Apparently they're sperm feelings.

I've arrived.

I'm 31 today and it feels a little surreal. I'm not even certain I was finished being 30, but no matter how much I protested that I wasn't finished, the days seemed to forge ahead anyway. No complaints though. 30 has been one of the single best years of my whole entire life. It was a year, just like any other with the massive ups and downs, screw ups and successes, but this is different. I think the markedly different thing about 30 was that I felt a renewed sense of identity. I'm not remotely suggesting that I've reached the age where you stop seconding guessing your actions and replaying every moment in your head. I'm still a woman after all so that's going to be around et all. I don't know. But I know life is good, and it feels good. Sure there's little bumps in the road and some current heart breaking family situations, but I've got this legitimate joy for the people I'm around. It's like the stabilizing factor of life. No matter where I'm at or who I'm with I'm loved, just for me and that's a pretty amazing feeling.

Today will be a birthday that will be different, because I'm not really around my whole entire family like I am on my other birthdays. And I'm a little devastated every day by my sister drama, but life is good. God is good. and 31 is going to be freaking fantastic.

The core of the matter.

I've given up on writing this 3 times already, let's see if this is number 4. I gave up because I feel that tangible weight of something that I need to say, but no words that I've written have gotten my point across the way I'd like them to. I'm tired of family drama and want a break. I didn't promise to right every wrong, or that two wrongs make a left. I didn't say that. Oh I've said plenty, that's for sure, and in hindsight I'm not super excited about all the actions that I've taken. But, I'm not about ready to join the show already in progress, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. (who does that?) What I'm looking to get out of this, is a nice 2 sided conversation, held in a calm tone, where people get out their feelings and no one raises their voice. That seems unlikely to me. Not that everyone shouldn't have their day in court, I wouldn't deny it to them, but I'm unwilling for someone to unleash the beast on me, simply because they're creating chaos. I gave at the office. Thanks.

I'm sad that I've got drawn into this mess, because I try ON PURPOSE not to get drawn in to drama of people's own creations. (In general for most drama that I'm not paid for) I know relationships are messy and complicated, people get their feelings hurt, lie, cheat, whatever it happens. But when we're over that, what do we do? When it's time to pick up the pieces, what then? Hell if I know. I'm not saying it's game over and time to pick up the pieces, I think we're kind of in the eye of the storm, if I can mix my metaphors (and I will). I think we're finally getting somewhere, to the core of what's the matter. Maybe. Maybe we're not.

What I do know is this: I don't want it to be awful forever. But I've got a news flash, it already has been. Fish and visitors stink after 3 days. That's how I've been living. Picking my battles, not being honest, afraid to anger you, cause you'd say something hurtful to me or someone I loved. We had good times too, some of the best times in the whole entire world, but it was Bi Polar fun. Cherish the manic because the depression is brutal and leaves death in its wake.

Is it too much to ask for the people you love to be happy and unbattered most of the time? I don't think so. I have no idea what we're going to do or how we're going to get there. What I do know, is that there is a lot of smoke and mirrors right now. There is a deeper unhappiness that has nothing to do with present circumstance, or the rambling on of what ever cathartic thing I'm writing. And I wish I knew how to lend a hand to fix it, but at the moment, no matter how much I want to fix it, there is no way in hell I'm reaching out, just to pull back a bloody stump.

The initial purge of 2011

The world would probably be a better place if I was a little more discreet, of this I am aware. The process of slowing down and not blurting out whatever it is that is bothering me....is not necessarily something that I have a handle on. I think partially I hate feeling crappy, and when I vent it makes the crappy feeling go away. That's my theory anyway. I want to get the poison out. I hate drama, though sometimes I know I do my fair share to create it, because often times when I need to vent or unload, it's taking part in the very drama that is likely causing the need to vent anyway. It's a viscous cycle. But I don't think that makes it so that I hate drama any less. I hate that anxious feeling, that upheaval of emotions, the uncertainty. That's all an example of something I do not want to put my energy into. It's like sitting in a rocking chair, no matter how fast you rock, you ain't goin no where.

There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite. But there's no secret handshake.

So it's come to my attention that I've been disowned. I didn't know people did that, it's so 1540's, but what do I know? Apparently it's retro. Maybe all the kids are doing it now days. Maybe we should turn it into some cool new slang so we can add it to the growing list in the Urban Dictionary. We'll start using it at parties.

Words are inadequate.

There are no words to describe where my heart is right now. Well I suppose that's not entirely correct since I'm writing words right now. Let's just say there aren't words to succinctly describe where my heart is. I think mainly sad for all involved. Sad for any hurt that I've caused and for all the hurts I can't stop. Sad when a relationship is broken and people are hurt. Sadder that it has been broken for a really long time and I just never bothered to fix it, because I didn't want to end up on the receiving end of what seems to be some sort of steroid rage situation. That seems like a really harsh punishment, simply for someone having a difference of opinion. I'm sad that you've been sad and angry for a really long time, since I don't suppose your actions are that of a happy person. But I think really my heart is split. It's not broken, it's all in tact and in good working order, but it's really confused. I think the way that you’re doing what you’re doing is wrong. And I don’t support the choices that you’re making right now or the chaos you're creating. I won't be buying you a present to feel better about you and make me like you again. I'm trying really really hard to love you. I know you don't think of it that way and I haven't necessarily executed it correctly. I understand that you don't likely care about any of what I'm writing or how I feel. Trust me I know. You've made it perfectly clear.

Kiss and Tell 2010

With the end of the year rapidly approaching it seems that a count down of sorts is appropriate so I'll give it a whirl.

It happened one night - I'd met you at a dive bar, we had a beer and some awkward conversation. The kissing was decent, but you got handsy waayyy too fast, then only called me because you wanted a piece of ass.

Million Dollar Baby - I'd given you my phone number when I very first moved to PDX and didn't know a soul. We didn't really have any chemistry, but for some reason we ended up making out sometime in January (blame it on turning 30, yikes) But you were a decent kisser and such a gentleman.

Peter Pan - Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.....We made etc.. and you are not a good kisser. Your age really showed in that you might still think you're in a highschool make out session.

Sportsfan - You were the best kisser probably for the first half of the year. we had a good date, then a few days later watched a movie at your house, you were really nice and snuggley and turned out to be a good kisser. You paid attention to details and you didn't drool all over my face. 2 thumbs up.