Of this and that and compromise.............

I've got so many things to write, but I'm not sure what to put down to make me feel better. Life is goodish. I'm just kind of tired of the almosts and missed opportunities, the second guessing etc.. etc.... You know how you always want to know why things work they way they do? Well enter into now and this time of my life. How can I be so happy and yet so discontent? It's pretty clear this ain't heaven, so I guess that's it. If you want a conflict free existence obviously earth and all these messy people aren't going to be involved, because as we know it people are complicated. My wants, desires, needs and misgivings also complicated. I'm tired. I love this, I want something different. I'm kind of tired of doing the orphan thing. I think I'm just confused, how I can be not unhappy, but still long for something more, something that is mine. Am I just that selfish? Let's not rule that one out right away. There's not a fix, not an answer, just me, needing a little hope. As per always. Till steal a line from Alexis, Le Sigh.

The thing about life is

That it's messy and complicated, and sometimes you don't know how to process it. Sometimes it makes me cry a little. Sometimes I don't like it and sometimes it's awkward. I especially hate the awkward parts. I hate it when I'm sad, because I don't really know what to do about that. "Hi it's me and I'm sad." What kind of phone call is that to make? The thing is, I'm not really sad, until I'm sad. Then I'm awful. Sometimes I wonder if life is ever going to change, but of course I mean for me, and I mean a change that I'd want, not some awful changes that I don't choose. Obviously. And that's where I'm at today. Well somewhere between that and feeling awful about the way I look, the way I feel and how much money I spent poorly. I wish life was a little less exhausting.

What's love got to do with it?

Umbrage is just a fancy word for being offended, but it sounds snarkier. So put that in your pipe and smoke it. Or don't. It doesn't matter to me. Which brings me to my next point and the reason we are all here this evening.

With all due respect, and when I say that, it means I'm going to say something shitty, you don't want to hear. But listen, I've said with all due respect, so that means, I don't have to show any. I digress.

I reserve the right to be offended, at folks who love their own voice, their own 2 cents, fears and inadequacies more than the care about other people. I realize that's harsh, but remember I said with all due respect.

I'm offended by disrespect, homophobia, and people who love refuse to remove the plank from their own eye. just to name a few. i'm not good with ignorant people, they piss me off just a little too much. unless they don't piss me off, then it's fine. See and that's a judgement. Just because you're rude to people who don't think the same as you, doesn't mean you're ignorant. I think it might mean you're egotistical, I'm not sure I'll have to consult my dictionary.

In summation: Sometimes when people say things to me, it makes me want to punch them. but i realize that would be hypocritical and i prefer empty threats.

Oh what a difference a day makes

I've tried writing when I'm not angsty and for some reason my words don't make sense when I'm not trying to get the poison out. Of course this time will be the exception, since I think I'm mainly trying to get the neither out?........I've also realized that I only blog in order to prevent a melt down. So I basically I let out this verbal vomit and feel lots better. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be able to express my feelings without turning into a whirling dervish. Fingers crossed eh? Dear future husband, I apologize for this in advance. Hopefully he reads this. If not, then that apology will go to naught. On a side note, this would make a super adorable how we met story. Kismet. Moving on.

I also wish we solved problems through song, like musicals. Not that I necessarily have a problem, except that I'm a 31 year old single female. As soon as I'm a married female, I'll wish to be single again. I know this since every married person I know tells me that they wish they were single. That whole the grass is greener thing. Who ever invented that is a genius. It's like that guy said "everything's amazing and no one is happy." I think the feminist part of my brain is likely on the blink. Oy Vey.

Everything is important

I'm having a small mental break. And this time I don't even think I'm exaggerating. And it's a little bit scary. In general my solution for angst/anxiety/craziness is crying or writing. Crying has proven ineffective and it makes my eye lashes itchy. On to Plan B where I write things down. I think this will also be helpful so that when people are wondering, when exactly I went crazy, they'll have this as a reference.

The summation of the rant: I'm not happy with unhappy. I'm not happy with people not speaking to each other, disrespecting each other and not giving a damn about the way anyone feels. Frankly I'm also over the repetitiveness of telling me how unhappy they are with every one else. That's just not fair. And it's exhausting. I don't think I can handle any other people trying to gain control over a situation by bitching, whining, complaining or just being unloving.

People can't be assholes to each other forever right? In part I know it has to stop eventually. But I'm not sure I have that long.

It makes my world feel small and claustrophobic. It makes me hyperventilate. It makes me wonder if it will ever be over or am I stuck forever with no port in the story and a bunch of unhappy people all grasping for control. Which makes me want to throw up just a little bit. I hate feeling stuck. I wish someone would fix me, so I didn't feel like I absorbed the emotions of everyone in the room. Or fix me so that I don't turn into my mom. I need a psychiatrist, but I don't think HMO covers that. It's not just really bad PMS. I think everyone wants a safe haven, a sanctuary, to just be a complete mess.

Or state your needs w/out feeling guilty or like you did something wrong. I need to be better about not letting everything slide. What happens is I'm hurt, frustrated, upset, feeling controlled etc.. but I let it go until I feel like THE NEXT INJUSTICE IS GOING TO KILL ME. Then I snap. and everyone feels like crap. Granted this is a long boring note that's all about not sweating the small, stuff, but I think the problem is I'm not sure where to draw the line. And I'm not sure what my point it. I hate awkward and I hate that when I finally get down to stating my feelings, I assume no one cares about my needs and is going to be angry with me.

I've usually figured it out by now in this part of the blog. That's disappointing. As awful as it sounds, I think I'm tired of giving a shit. Not that I don't love people and want what's best for them, but I'm not sure I can muster up the energy to love them the way they need to be loved. Not until I've replenished the supply. I am an Island. And that kind of sucks.

Excuse me for a moment

Would you excuse me for a moment while I scream? That would be swell. If it's not 1 thing that's emotionally exhausting, it's 10. I'm fairly certain that I've reached my capacity for giving a shit. I know that's not true, but I kind of envy people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Wouldn't that be nice? Give your mind and emotions a little vacation. Though I've heard that might mean you're dead. If you look in the dictionary under tightly wound, I'm fairly certain you'll see my picture, now that was a bad hair day. I need a punching bag, or a drinking problem. maybe both. that sounds fun. I can't complain too much I'm not a victim just a by stander. The world is running out of clean drinking water, money, fossil fuel, etc.. but blame is something we have in spades. Can we find a good use for that? You know, like recycled toilet paper? Make a blame powered generator for when the Mayans take over, or Pee Wee Herman. It's hard to say who will win. I guess we'll just wait to see how it all shakes out.

Sticks and Stones

Woe is me. What to do? What to do? I'm a lover, not a fighter, I'd much rather resolve an issue than leaving it hanging out in the open all tense and unsettling. I hate that. So.......I try to let the little things go, if they are indeed little things. But when those little things pile up and pile up into one great big heaping mound of huge ginormous gaping red hurt, then I'm out to sea. You see the thing is, I feel like I've already fixed this so many times. I'm exhausted with fixing. I can't make the first move any more times. And I don't think that I should have to. I don't want to get a scale and weigh out wrongs to see who has hurt who most. That seems pointless, because I know I've inflicted my share of hurt. Lord help me, I know. But I also refuse to be on the end of an angry tirade because I disagree. Not to mention, I'm not responding to mean words, angry voices or yelling. Not going to happen. I'm ashamed to admit that I've done my share of mean words. Angry voice and yelling isn't really my style (I don't think) But I know that I can cut to the core and that I speak freely. In particular I remember apologizing, though that interaction eventually got me yelled at, and later disowned.

The conclusion of these thoughts, is confusion, I suppose. But it's also a determination to do what I feel is right in my heart. Even if it means having those icky unresolved, unsettling feelings hanging out, naked and squirming around. Apparently they're sperm feelings.