Oh what a difference a day makes

I've tried writing when I'm not angsty and for some reason my words don't make sense when I'm not trying to get the poison out. Of course this time will be the exception, since I think I'm mainly trying to get the neither out?........I've also realized that I only blog in order to prevent a melt down. So I basically I let out this verbal vomit and feel lots better. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll be able to express my feelings without turning into a whirling dervish. Fingers crossed eh? Dear future husband, I apologize for this in advance. Hopefully he reads this. If not, then that apology will go to naught. On a side note, this would make a super adorable how we met story. Kismet. Moving on.

I also wish we solved problems through song, like musicals. Not that I necessarily have a problem, except that I'm a 31 year old single female. As soon as I'm a married female, I'll wish to be single again. I know this since every married person I know tells me that they wish they were single. That whole the grass is greener thing. Who ever invented that is a genius. It's like that guy said "everything's amazing and no one is happy." I think the feminist part of my brain is likely on the blink. Oy Vey.

Everything is important

I'm having a small mental break. And this time I don't even think I'm exaggerating. And it's a little bit scary. In general my solution for angst/anxiety/craziness is crying or writing. Crying has proven ineffective and it makes my eye lashes itchy. On to Plan B where I write things down. I think this will also be helpful so that when people are wondering, when exactly I went crazy, they'll have this as a reference.

The summation of the rant: I'm not happy with unhappy. I'm not happy with people not speaking to each other, disrespecting each other and not giving a damn about the way anyone feels. Frankly I'm also over the repetitiveness of telling me how unhappy they are with every one else. That's just not fair. And it's exhausting. I don't think I can handle any other people trying to gain control over a situation by bitching, whining, complaining or just being unloving.

People can't be assholes to each other forever right? In part I know it has to stop eventually. But I'm not sure I have that long.

It makes my world feel small and claustrophobic. It makes me hyperventilate. It makes me wonder if it will ever be over or am I stuck forever with no port in the story and a bunch of unhappy people all grasping for control. Which makes me want to throw up just a little bit. I hate feeling stuck. I wish someone would fix me, so I didn't feel like I absorbed the emotions of everyone in the room. Or fix me so that I don't turn into my mom. I need a psychiatrist, but I don't think HMO covers that. It's not just really bad PMS. I think everyone wants a safe haven, a sanctuary, to just be a complete mess.

Or state your needs w/out feeling guilty or like you did something wrong. I need to be better about not letting everything slide. What happens is I'm hurt, frustrated, upset, feeling controlled etc.. but I let it go until I feel like THE NEXT INJUSTICE IS GOING TO KILL ME. Then I snap. and everyone feels like crap. Granted this is a long boring note that's all about not sweating the small, stuff, but I think the problem is I'm not sure where to draw the line. And I'm not sure what my point it. I hate awkward and I hate that when I finally get down to stating my feelings, I assume no one cares about my needs and is going to be angry with me.

I've usually figured it out by now in this part of the blog. That's disappointing. As awful as it sounds, I think I'm tired of giving a shit. Not that I don't love people and want what's best for them, but I'm not sure I can muster up the energy to love them the way they need to be loved. Not until I've replenished the supply. I am an Island. And that kind of sucks.

Excuse me for a moment

Would you excuse me for a moment while I scream? That would be swell. If it's not 1 thing that's emotionally exhausting, it's 10. I'm fairly certain that I've reached my capacity for giving a shit. I know that's not true, but I kind of envy people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Wouldn't that be nice? Give your mind and emotions a little vacation. Though I've heard that might mean you're dead. If you look in the dictionary under tightly wound, I'm fairly certain you'll see my picture, now that was a bad hair day. I need a punching bag, or a drinking problem. maybe both. that sounds fun. I can't complain too much I'm not a victim just a by stander. The world is running out of clean drinking water, money, fossil fuel, etc.. but blame is something we have in spades. Can we find a good use for that? You know, like recycled toilet paper? Make a blame powered generator for when the Mayans take over, or Pee Wee Herman. It's hard to say who will win. I guess we'll just wait to see how it all shakes out.

Sticks and Stones

Woe is me. What to do? What to do? I'm a lover, not a fighter, I'd much rather resolve an issue than leaving it hanging out in the open all tense and unsettling. I hate that. So.......I try to let the little things go, if they are indeed little things. But when those little things pile up and pile up into one great big heaping mound of huge ginormous gaping red hurt, then I'm out to sea. You see the thing is, I feel like I've already fixed this so many times. I'm exhausted with fixing. I can't make the first move any more times. And I don't think that I should have to. I don't want to get a scale and weigh out wrongs to see who has hurt who most. That seems pointless, because I know I've inflicted my share of hurt. Lord help me, I know. But I also refuse to be on the end of an angry tirade because I disagree. Not to mention, I'm not responding to mean words, angry voices or yelling. Not going to happen. I'm ashamed to admit that I've done my share of mean words. Angry voice and yelling isn't really my style (I don't think) But I know that I can cut to the core and that I speak freely. In particular I remember apologizing, though that interaction eventually got me yelled at, and later disowned.

The conclusion of these thoughts, is confusion, I suppose. But it's also a determination to do what I feel is right in my heart. Even if it means having those icky unresolved, unsettling feelings hanging out, naked and squirming around. Apparently they're sperm feelings.

I've arrived.

I'm 31 today and it feels a little surreal. I'm not even certain I was finished being 30, but no matter how much I protested that I wasn't finished, the days seemed to forge ahead anyway. No complaints though. 30 has been one of the single best years of my whole entire life. It was a year, just like any other with the massive ups and downs, screw ups and successes, but this is different. I think the markedly different thing about 30 was that I felt a renewed sense of identity. I'm not remotely suggesting that I've reached the age where you stop seconding guessing your actions and replaying every moment in your head. I'm still a woman after all so that's going to be around et all. I don't know. But I know life is good, and it feels good. Sure there's little bumps in the road and some current heart breaking family situations, but I've got this legitimate joy for the people I'm around. It's like the stabilizing factor of life. No matter where I'm at or who I'm with I'm loved, just for me and that's a pretty amazing feeling.

Today will be a birthday that will be different, because I'm not really around my whole entire family like I am on my other birthdays. And I'm a little devastated every day by my sister drama, but life is good. God is good. and 31 is going to be freaking fantastic.

The core of the matter.

I've given up on writing this 3 times already, let's see if this is number 4. I gave up because I feel that tangible weight of something that I need to say, but no words that I've written have gotten my point across the way I'd like them to. I'm tired of family drama and want a break. I didn't promise to right every wrong, or that two wrongs make a left. I didn't say that. Oh I've said plenty, that's for sure, and in hindsight I'm not super excited about all the actions that I've taken. But, I'm not about ready to join the show already in progress, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. (who does that?) What I'm looking to get out of this, is a nice 2 sided conversation, held in a calm tone, where people get out their feelings and no one raises their voice. That seems unlikely to me. Not that everyone shouldn't have their day in court, I wouldn't deny it to them, but I'm unwilling for someone to unleash the beast on me, simply because they're creating chaos. I gave at the office. Thanks.

I'm sad that I've got drawn into this mess, because I try ON PURPOSE not to get drawn in to drama of people's own creations. (In general for most drama that I'm not paid for) I know relationships are messy and complicated, people get their feelings hurt, lie, cheat, whatever it happens. But when we're over that, what do we do? When it's time to pick up the pieces, what then? Hell if I know. I'm not saying it's game over and time to pick up the pieces, I think we're kind of in the eye of the storm, if I can mix my metaphors (and I will). I think we're finally getting somewhere, to the core of what's the matter. Maybe. Maybe we're not.

What I do know is this: I don't want it to be awful forever. But I've got a news flash, it already has been. Fish and visitors stink after 3 days. That's how I've been living. Picking my battles, not being honest, afraid to anger you, cause you'd say something hurtful to me or someone I loved. We had good times too, some of the best times in the whole entire world, but it was Bi Polar fun. Cherish the manic because the depression is brutal and leaves death in its wake.

Is it too much to ask for the people you love to be happy and unbattered most of the time? I don't think so. I have no idea what we're going to do or how we're going to get there. What I do know, is that there is a lot of smoke and mirrors right now. There is a deeper unhappiness that has nothing to do with present circumstance, or the rambling on of what ever cathartic thing I'm writing. And I wish I knew how to lend a hand to fix it, but at the moment, no matter how much I want to fix it, there is no way in hell I'm reaching out, just to pull back a bloody stump.

The initial purge of 2011

The world would probably be a better place if I was a little more discreet, of this I am aware. The process of slowing down and not blurting out whatever it is that is bothering me....is not necessarily something that I have a handle on. I think partially I hate feeling crappy, and when I vent it makes the crappy feeling go away. That's my theory anyway. I want to get the poison out. I hate drama, though sometimes I know I do my fair share to create it, because often times when I need to vent or unload, it's taking part in the very drama that is likely causing the need to vent anyway. It's a viscous cycle. But I don't think that makes it so that I hate drama any less. I hate that anxious feeling, that upheaval of emotions, the uncertainty. That's all an example of something I do not want to put my energy into. It's like sitting in a rocking chair, no matter how fast you rock, you ain't goin no where.